Will anyone ever understand what i'm going through?

If anyone were to get an award for multiple miscarriages it would be me. Everyone tells me 'oh its ok you are still young.' 'oh just try again' What i'm going through now is something that i hope nobody goes through. Baby number 2 stopped growing, my hcg level is dropping everyday. The doctor said 'as the fetus is still so tiny, just let it (the miscarriage) happen naturally. The way she said it is like the way people chomps on a chicken hamburger, nothing special. Does anybody understands what i'm going through? I have a dead fetus in me and everyday i'm just waiting for it to come out. The kind of trauma that I went through within 6 mths is affecting me so badly that I don't want to wake up anymore, I just wish i'm dead. Jeff being his usual self is of no help at all. Who can help me through what i'm going through right now? I'm depressed, aimless, disappointed, confused and wanted to die. I'm actually blaming myself for what has happened, i'm ashamed of myself for miscarrying again and again. I see undeserving people with babies, I helped people, i've not done anything wrong, we are good people, what have i ever done to deserve this? I feel so heart broken when I see my friends pregnant, giving birth smoothly showing off their pregnant bellies and their cute babies. What about me? I always end up with empty hope. I always ended up with nothing. I don't know how to walk on anymore. I hope next time if god wants to take my baby away, he will take me too.

I'm caught in the storm

Today Dr Goh told me my baby only grew 2mm in a week. Thats not a good sign at all. Once again I'm caught in the storm. How do I walk out of the storm? I realised now no one can help me all i can do is to pray. I just wanted to die now.

Praying for little olive

Sometimes i get all moody n grumpy I guess its because of the hormone changes n stuff la. Sometimes i get nightmares that the same thing will happen again. Everyday when i wake up i will talk to little olive, 'mommy n papa loves you so does xiao bao, so pls be a good baby grow bigger everyday and we cant wait for you to come into this world!' Mama n papa promise we will love you and give u e best we can afford in life and give u unconditional love that you deserve.' I hope my baby will be safe, will be able to come into this world this time.

I'm pregnant again!

I've never felt more settled in my life then now, i finally understood my previous babies left. Because of my unsettled life and my unsettled business. When i miscarried in nov i didn't understand y god is so cruel to take my baby away. It turns out that a few months later the owner of my shop decided to play punk, raise my rent by 50%. So another shop is available, much much bigger and a fraction of the price of my previous shop so we decided to move in 3 days. After renovations, painting, moving and drilling non stop we finally settled in our new shop. Then I found out 2 days ago that I'm pregnant again!

Last december, out of desperation to find out y i miscarried the previous time, i turn to do the unthinkable. I decided to talk to this psychic. I asked 'will i ever have a healthy baby?' Here's her answer ' there is a lady spirit linking around you who is sending healing to you, wants you to know when the time is right you will have healthy kids, spirit shows me that in March 2011 you wil conceive and it will be a healthy full term pregnancy, which I feel that it is important for you to know. I am shown a baby boy from this conception and all is well during pregnancy, birth and labour. I see this pregnancy changes your outlook in life and alot of contentment shows for your path on 2011 and beyond."

This time, I know my baby will stay with me, and mom promises to love you forever and always.

The day I wrote a love letter to my husband

I remembered the day I left perth for good, Jeff hid a love letter in my backpack, I discovered the love letter many months later. Till today the love letter stays safely in my wallet. I was touched by what he wrote:

My Dear Huat Kuay,
It really hurts me when i see you so sad & crying. When I see that, it made me feel so helpless and useless and I will always ask myself why can't I prevent you from being sad? I always wanted you to be happy, cheerful and bubbly.

I'm really thankful to have known you and to have you by my side, I must say that these months have been one of the happiest times of my life. I cherish and enjoy the times we shared and spent together and I do hope this can continue.

Luv Ah Sua.

It took me 4 1/2 years to reply. It took to lose a baby to reply.

My dear Ah Sua,
I love ah sua now and forever. It is through losing a child that I realised u r the one who always held my hand always loving me n there for me, i will nvr take your love for granted and will promise to love u only forever. My love for you will be selfish, I will only love you n no one else. Happy loving day, my love.

Luv Huat Kuay.

I love my husband more than ever, no words can describe that we are truly made for eachother. I'm the crazy funny half while he is the calm smart half.

How do you say goodbye?

How do I survive miscarriage? How do I survive the heartache? How will I survive the guilt that will follow me for the rest of my life?

I when to the hospital on 30 nov I discovered my baby had no more heartbeat. Baby passed away. Baby died. Doctor goh all chocked up asking me if i want a natural miscarriage or a surgery to wash out the baby. I told her natural. It hit me suddenly that life is fragile. It hit me that i'm responsible for the lost. I msged my brother to tell him 'baby died, no more heartbeat'

On the way home on a cab, i was sobbing quitely, jeff held my hand fighting back tears silent on our way home. More bad luck followed, the cab hit a truck, although nothing happened i wish god would take me away just like he did with baby.

I wanted to be strong, I wanted not to cry but i couldn't do it. I was on the verge of dying with my baby. I asked god why didn't he take me? Why did he give baby to me then take it away?

I cried. Thats all I can do, I couldn't stop crying, I kept asking questions that nobody could ans me. I kept asking why. I dreamt about baby that very night, it was a she, she looked so cute wobbled to the drawer and pulled out a cute dress asking me to wear it for her.

When I woke up, I couldn't stop cry, I blamed myself for my foul temper, eventually killing my own baby. Yet baby, dead inside me didn't kick up a fuss, didn't make me in pain didn't make in bleed much waited for me to remove it. I decided to get the doctor to arrange for the surgery because I kept dreaming of baby rotting staring angrily at me. Whenever I close my eyes I saw baby without a heartbeat.

The day before the surgery, I cried uncontrollably, said I am sorry and begged for forgiveness. Moments before I was wheeled into the operation room I was still crying, and on the op table I began crying praying for forgiveness, praying my baby would go to heaven soon. Even as they r injecting med to knock me out tear still flowed. When I woke up, the doc told Jeff 'poor thing kept crying non stop' but she will be ok soon.

I have to pick myself up, I have to. Because mom, bro, Jeff loves me. I'm surviving heartbreak but i have to pick myself up from where i have fallen.

3 more painful hours to sleep

I've never been so sleepy before.. no matter how much i sleep i still want to sleep. sleep sleep sleep! In the shop now.. 3 more painful hours till i can go hm to rest..

We went for our check up yest, little olive has a heartbeat! so tiny, length less than 2cm and it has a heart beat!!! So kawaii.... Expected due date 26/06/11..excited!

The Baby Journal

I ordered this Journal from Esty and got it customised to purple colour. Nice?
This is going to be a journal for my baby, i'm give it to him/her when he/she turns 18 yrs old. My baby will know mom will always love him/her.

The past few days has been hell for me. I can't eat, I can't slp. Nothing helps. Nasty customers certainly didnt help. My mom in Japan didn't help too, i felt like i lost a support.

The baby mama

I'm a little fustrated without mama around. So is little olive. I wonder hows my little olive today, mama misses grandma and misses you too. Hope you misses mama too :)

My little olive

Yest I went to doc goh's office to confirm my pregnancy, I'm 5 weeks along! :D This is how my little baby looks like now, notice the little black dot? Yup its baby number 1! Shaped tiny like an olive, but has huge effects on our lives. I'm thrilled, happy to be a mom for the first time. Jeff still loves his soccer more, hahaha :) he now takes care of me better than ever, every little thing is monitered by him, he looks after me like a wonderful papa!


This is my letter to my little olive today:
Hi my little precious
how are you doing today?
Mom is feeling kind of dizzy and sick lately, doctors told me it is because i'm pregnant with you, but its ok, with my little olive n papa, mama will be alright soon.
Mama has been vomitting alot lately and I often wonder will little olive be ok?
Mama will always be with you, mama will always love you :)
Mama can't wait to see my little olive!