The day I wrote a love letter to my husband

I remembered the day I left perth for good, Jeff hid a love letter in my backpack, I discovered the love letter many months later. Till today the love letter stays safely in my wallet. I was touched by what he wrote:

My Dear Huat Kuay,
It really hurts me when i see you so sad & crying. When I see that, it made me feel so helpless and useless and I will always ask myself why can't I prevent you from being sad? I always wanted you to be happy, cheerful and bubbly.

I'm really thankful to have known you and to have you by my side, I must say that these months have been one of the happiest times of my life. I cherish and enjoy the times we shared and spent together and I do hope this can continue.

Luv Ah Sua.

It took me 4 1/2 years to reply. It took to lose a baby to reply.

My dear Ah Sua,
I love ah sua now and forever. It is through losing a child that I realised u r the one who always held my hand always loving me n there for me, i will nvr take your love for granted and will promise to love u only forever. My love for you will be selfish, I will only love you n no one else. Happy loving day, my love.

Luv Huat Kuay.

I love my husband more than ever, no words can describe that we are truly made for eachother. I'm the crazy funny half while he is the calm smart half.

How do you say goodbye?

How do I survive miscarriage? How do I survive the heartache? How will I survive the guilt that will follow me for the rest of my life?

I when to the hospital on 30 nov I discovered my baby had no more heartbeat. Baby passed away. Baby died. Doctor goh all chocked up asking me if i want a natural miscarriage or a surgery to wash out the baby. I told her natural. It hit me suddenly that life is fragile. It hit me that i'm responsible for the lost. I msged my brother to tell him 'baby died, no more heartbeat'

On the way home on a cab, i was sobbing quitely, jeff held my hand fighting back tears silent on our way home. More bad luck followed, the cab hit a truck, although nothing happened i wish god would take me away just like he did with baby.

I wanted to be strong, I wanted not to cry but i couldn't do it. I was on the verge of dying with my baby. I asked god why didn't he take me? Why did he give baby to me then take it away?

I cried. Thats all I can do, I couldn't stop crying, I kept asking questions that nobody could ans me. I kept asking why. I dreamt about baby that very night, it was a she, she looked so cute wobbled to the drawer and pulled out a cute dress asking me to wear it for her.

When I woke up, I couldn't stop cry, I blamed myself for my foul temper, eventually killing my own baby. Yet baby, dead inside me didn't kick up a fuss, didn't make me in pain didn't make in bleed much waited for me to remove it. I decided to get the doctor to arrange for the surgery because I kept dreaming of baby rotting staring angrily at me. Whenever I close my eyes I saw baby without a heartbeat.

The day before the surgery, I cried uncontrollably, said I am sorry and begged for forgiveness. Moments before I was wheeled into the operation room I was still crying, and on the op table I began crying praying for forgiveness, praying my baby would go to heaven soon. Even as they r injecting med to knock me out tear still flowed. When I woke up, the doc told Jeff 'poor thing kept crying non stop' but she will be ok soon.

I have to pick myself up, I have to. Because mom, bro, Jeff loves me. I'm surviving heartbreak but i have to pick myself up from where i have fallen.