How do you say goodbye?
How do I survive miscarriage? How do I survive the heartache? How will I survive the guilt that will follow me for the rest of my life?
I when to the hospital on 30 nov I discovered my baby had no more heartbeat. Baby passed away. Baby died. Doctor goh all chocked up asking me if i want a natural miscarriage or a surgery to wash out the baby. I told her natural. It hit me suddenly that life is fragile. It hit me that i'm responsible for the lost. I msged my brother to tell him 'baby died, no more heartbeat'
On the way home on a cab, i was sobbing quitely, jeff held my hand fighting back tears silent on our way home. More bad luck followed, the cab hit a truck, although nothing happened i wish god would take me away just like he did with baby.
I wanted to be strong, I wanted not to cry but i couldn't do it. I was on the verge of dying with my baby. I asked god why didn't he take me? Why did he give baby to me then take it away?
I cried. Thats all I can do, I couldn't stop crying, I kept asking questions that nobody could ans me. I kept asking why. I dreamt about baby that very night, it was a she, she looked so cute wobbled to the drawer and pulled out a cute dress asking me to wear it for her.
When I woke up, I couldn't stop cry, I blamed myself for my foul temper, eventually killing my own baby. Yet baby, dead inside me didn't kick up a fuss, didn't make me in pain didn't make in bleed much waited for me to remove it. I decided to get the doctor to arrange for the surgery because I kept dreaming of baby rotting staring angrily at me. Whenever I close my eyes I saw baby without a heartbeat.
The day before the surgery, I cried uncontrollably, said I am sorry and begged for forgiveness. Moments before I was wheeled into the operation room I was still crying, and on the op table I began crying praying for forgiveness, praying my baby would go to heaven soon. Even as they r injecting med to knock me out tear still flowed. When I woke up, the doc told Jeff 'poor thing kept crying non stop' but she will be ok soon.
I have to pick myself up, I have to. Because mom, bro, Jeff loves me. I'm surviving heartbreak but i have to pick myself up from where i have fallen.
I when to the hospital on 30 nov I discovered my baby had no more heartbeat. Baby passed away. Baby died. Doctor goh all chocked up asking me if i want a natural miscarriage or a surgery to wash out the baby. I told her natural. It hit me suddenly that life is fragile. It hit me that i'm responsible for the lost. I msged my brother to tell him 'baby died, no more heartbeat'
On the way home on a cab, i was sobbing quitely, jeff held my hand fighting back tears silent on our way home. More bad luck followed, the cab hit a truck, although nothing happened i wish god would take me away just like he did with baby.
I wanted to be strong, I wanted not to cry but i couldn't do it. I was on the verge of dying with my baby. I asked god why didn't he take me? Why did he give baby to me then take it away?
I cried. Thats all I can do, I couldn't stop crying, I kept asking questions that nobody could ans me. I kept asking why. I dreamt about baby that very night, it was a she, she looked so cute wobbled to the drawer and pulled out a cute dress asking me to wear it for her.
When I woke up, I couldn't stop cry, I blamed myself for my foul temper, eventually killing my own baby. Yet baby, dead inside me didn't kick up a fuss, didn't make me in pain didn't make in bleed much waited for me to remove it. I decided to get the doctor to arrange for the surgery because I kept dreaming of baby rotting staring angrily at me. Whenever I close my eyes I saw baby without a heartbeat.
The day before the surgery, I cried uncontrollably, said I am sorry and begged for forgiveness. Moments before I was wheeled into the operation room I was still crying, and on the op table I began crying praying for forgiveness, praying my baby would go to heaven soon. Even as they r injecting med to knock me out tear still flowed. When I woke up, the doc told Jeff 'poor thing kept crying non stop' but she will be ok soon.
I have to pick myself up, I have to. Because mom, bro, Jeff loves me. I'm surviving heartbreak but i have to pick myself up from where i have fallen.
posted by chachakoh&sambalng | Saturday, December 04, 2010
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